Edited by Alex Dupee & Jojo Rinehart-Jones
Every year is, in its own special way, a fucking nightmare. However, this year was ~extra~ juicy, offering more than enough drama for the CW series that is my life. In fact, there is SO much drama that I’m writing a newsletter to keep everyone updated! Welcome aboard, baby! Let’s get caught up.
Q1: Ugh whatever! we know there’s a pandemic! just get to the good parts
In my final semester of college, I tried to do a Burlesque show because 1) I love attention and 2) I love attention ESPECIALLY when I’m wearing a corset & fishnets. Very few people auditioned (shoutout to everyone who did!! I send you a socially distant SMOOCH). I drank wine and wallowed in supine on the floor of the theatre. I had said “let’s do a burlesque show!” and God said, “I think the fuck not, ugly.” The show was cancelled, galvanizing the notion that some dreams are just meant to be dreams.
I also lost my post-grad job! This forced me to realize I had no fucking idea what I wanted to do with my life. I coped with that anxiety by deciding to do nothing and taking 0 proactive steps towards my future. I had a breakup (worry not; this is not the last of Men™). I cried a lot in therapy (and outside of therapy! I am NEVER off the clock).
Then, the pandemic hit HARD and school was shut down! I packed my shit and drove home to ye ol’ Winchester, MA. I watched 17 seasons of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and ate cake for breakfast.
Key takeaways: My boss, boyfriend, and school dumped me ://
Q2: professional development, friendship is magic, & more cake
I got really into French baking because I want my hobbies to reflect that I’m better than you. Consequently, I got real thicc. I started running with Teva (my bb sis), but certainly not enough to offset my daily eclair consumption. I wore sweatpants CONSTANTLY and was worried that the sweatpants would eventually become absorbed into my skin, forming a layer of cloth scales that would never come off. That didn’t happen, but it was a fear.
A tech startup that I was already acquainted with from a past internship reached out to me about a job. I had no idea what I wanted to do, so said okay! Fuck it! I’m a tech marketer now!
I also went to Cape Cod with friends from Ham!! The lovely Nadav Konforty hosted me & a slew of other crazy people, and we had a fake graduation ceremony (complete with falsies and a dark blue lip––the graduation was fake, but the glam was real). We played Crazy Frog on repeat and I cried.
Huuuuuuge shoutout to all the friends who got me through Q2: This goes out to Max Dowden, Lantz Kilburn, and the Vape Cod Gang (Nadav, Maggie, Lexi, GP, Anna, Libby, Amy, & Elizabeth).
Key takeaways: my heart & ass got bigger
Q3: Life is a fairytale!
Okay soooo started my new job and didn’t love it. I felt like I had 0 idea of what I was doing with my life. I was back to feeling kinda miserable. Here’s what I did:
Downloaded Hinge and started dating the first guy I had a serious conversation with. He was, of course, a 33 year old adult man who had quit his job in law to ~write a novel~. He was handsome enough to model high-end watches on Instagram AND tortured enough to (don’t forget this) quit his fucking JOB, write a fucking NOVEL, and date a 22 year old!!
Here were my genuine thoughts from this time: Every rom com where the stoic rich handsome lawyer is the bad guy is wrong. My therapist says I should reflect on my attachment style but he probably just ran out of things to talk about so is coming up with random conversation points. My life is a movie, and I’m the star! Yay!!
I also moved out of my Jewish mother’s home to an apartment with Juge Larson, a friend from Hamilton (+ her boyfriend & her boyfriend’s brother). Juge, John, Rick & I are living a happy life on Boston Avenue! Everything is magic! Nothing bad has ever happened!
Key takeaways: This is just building up to a crash in Q4 and we all see it coming
Q4: The crash! But also: a brighter tomorrow
Mr. 33 Year Old Adult Man broke up with me over the phone. I was devastated, in a sexy, French way (picture me in lingerie standing on a balcony looking out onto gay Paris [pronounced pah-rhee], smoking cigarettes and crying Chardonnay tears). Monsieur Old & Rich was gone, never to return. From a fairytale to a Shakespearean tragedy, life is a cruel mistress.
John and Juge got a dog. His name is Gravy, but I call him Rat King and Horse Weasel because he is, when we get down to the brass tacks, a very large rat, or a small, weasel-like horse. He was a fucking handful, but handsome!
I went home for Thanksgiving and my family found out some surprising news: I have a half sister!! Shoutout to 23 & Me! Her name is Kristin, and she is smart, pretty, and COOL. She and I had a Zoom date the following week and we laughed a lot! The news was shocking, but again, life is a constant nightmare so we can’t let these sorts of surprises get the best of us.
Plus, Kristin has kids, which makes me an aunt, and I feel like that’s a very chic role for me to take on. I picture me making appearances at family dinners, wearing all Chanel, giving really SICK gifts to my bb nieces, and leaving the table for work calls. To be clear, this is not the current version of myself, but, now that I know that I’m an aunt, this is the version of myself that I am destined to become.
The same week I found out about Kristin, Morgan Stanley DMd me asking if I wanted a job. I accepted Mr. Morgan Stanley’s rose. I talked to Zach Oscar about moving in with him (Brooklyn baby!!), finalizing my transformation from a Startup Up Baby to a Corporate Queen/Big Apple Baddie.
Around this time, I decided that it was important for me to become active on Twitter. I began Tweeting exclusively Baja Blast™ related content. There’s no joke here because Baja Blast™ isn’t a fucking joke. My boss found my Twitter and said “I strongly urge you to make your account private.” She was probably in a bad mood because she hadn’t her morning cup of Baja Blast™.
I also have a new squeeze (inconvenient timing because I’m gonna move lol, but we’ll get there when we get there)! His name is Alex & he is a prince. On our first date, we went to Home Depot™ and he helped me make shelves for my new home and I unknowingly exposed him to John, my roommate, who tested positive for COVID the next morning!!
About sweet Alexander: He used to work at a suicide hotline so he is professionally qualified to listen to me cry. On Christmas Eve eve he put me on speakerphone in his family’s living room so his dad could help me edit an email, and THAT’S amore.
Key takeaways: Sometimes, things are pretty bad, but being vulnerable, investing in relationships, and being open to new stuff makes it better. Cry more! It’ll fix everything!
In conclusion, while this year was challenging in a lot of new ways, it was also fucking baller in some ways. It was a lot of fear, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, and pure fucking joy, closeness, hope, and excitement. I’m so eager to move, start my new job, meet new people, and enjoy time with the people I love. I feel lucky to know the people I know, and I feel really in touch with the fact that life is long, so I have a lot of time to figure things out.
Also, I have a newsletter now, so I’m clearly finding more and more avenues for attention every year!
I’m sending lots of love to anyone reading this. Happy Holidays, and let’s hope 2021 is less messy (or messy af––totally up to you). Cheers!
also i did in fact read this instead of doing my math hw, which i personally consider to be a better use of my time than doing Finite & Probability™️
i’m a little upset i didn’t make it into the “thank yous”- manothini